Updated: Feb 4
Are you having either one of these holiday thoughts?
"I can't wait until the holidays are here."
"I can't wait until the holiday is over!"
Well, you're not alone.
Many of us are overspending, overeating, overdoing, not feeling good enough. We are thinking about the perfect holiday decorations, giving gifts to everyone we know, and then that thought that there is never enough and we certainly are not enough.
It is easy to have our thoughts quickly circle the drain and feel exhausted.
Under these thoughts and exhaustion is what happens with our relationships with others.
The holiday season is the time of year we may be seeing others that we only see once a year. We may be seeing others that we don't want to see.
What if we cannot see those we love and wish to be with because of distance circumstances or they have passed on?
I get it. I know how you feel.
I spent years dreading the holidays because some relative might ask if I had gained weight or ask me why I couldn't drink like a lady.
There was always a lot of alcohol at our holiday events, and thus there were plenty of fights.
I felt resentful that my husband died and left me with three kids to raise on my own. Then those precious children that I loved more than life and wanted to give everything, found me stomping around the house yelling because I couldn't buy the presents they deserved.
Then there was overworking hoping that my boss would notice me and appreciate me if I just did enough.
All relationships, not just mine, are messy, are beautiful, organic, and seeking them is the mainstay of being human.
All human beings need and desire connection with others.
What else is pretty cool about relationships is that they are opportunities for us to grow significantly in our most difficult times.
Difficult people and complicated relationships are our most excellent teachers, and the more complex the relationship with them, the greater the learning.
We learn how to set boundaries, give up expectations and ask for what we want or don't want, and it allows us to reflect on our thoughts and change the results in our lives.
Our brains typically have about 60,000 thoughts a day. Many of these thoughts are unconscious and come from our upbringing, culture, what we see and read, what we hear, our religious beliefs, experiences, and family and friends.
We create our thoughts, opinions, and what we believe is reality from this outside input.
If you loved Disney movies, princesses, and playing with Barbie, you are my tribe. I developed this thought from watching these movies that I would have to kiss many frogs to find my Prince. My interpretation created the reality that I must suffer through unhealthy relationships to find a Prince.
I had this magnet in my forehead to attract bad boys with no jobs, no doors on their cars and were lots of fun at the time.
I was obsessed with the movie Love Story. The theme from that movie was "love is never having to say you're sorry.
My thought was that I could behave however I wanted it, and my loved ones would have to put up with it, and I wasn't going to be sorry or that I had to tolerate unacceptable behavior from friends or partners.
These movies and messages are not why we struggle to find happy and healthy relationships. I believe it is the human condition.
Combat the idea of the perfect relationship in our personal and professional lives. All successful relationships take work.
And when I say work, I'm talking about the individual work we do and not expect others to do the work for us.
It is easy to believe that our happiness lies in others changing, being who we need them to be, behaving in a way that we think they should, and we do nothing.
I had to find a new way to show up for myself and the most important people in my life.
I had to learn to stop taking whatever people did or did not do personally.
The cycle of encounters with others goes:
Someone does or says something
We have a thought or opinion about what just happened
That thought becomes a feeling
The feeling turns into an action
Actions create results
We can't control what others do, and we can't prevent our first thought or upset.
We can control and create our second thought and change the results in our life.
It is possible to build great relationships with our families, friends, bosses, coworkers, and most importantly, ourselves, even during the holidays.
I'm a life and relationship coach. In my coaching practice, I help my clients reclaim their personal power by letting go of their past, building a healthy relationship with themselves and others, that create ease in their present moment and a most extraordinary life of happiness and purpose.
If you would like to learn more about relationships, how our thoughts control our lives, or learn more about how to work with me, schedule a free 30 minute call.
All my best,